Parenthood Lesson #4

THE GRANDPARENTS ARE NOT ON YOUR SIDE!!!!

Sure they were there supporting you through your pregnancy, helping to pick out baby furniture and cooking you dinner when you had strange cravings. They went to doctor's appointments and were at the hospital when you were in labor for 24 hours. But once the baby comes, they switch allegiance and you are left on your own. The worst part is they will never truly admit it. They PRETEND that they're STILL on your side, and when you call to rant and rave about the baby, or when they visit and you have to reprimand the baby for something, you THINK they're going to agree with you but in the end you're caught off guard by their double-crossing response! They give your kids ice cream when you tell them they have to have fruit. You tell them to buy the $14.99 Elmo, and they buy the $49.99 one instead. You tell them the baby can feed herself and they nod and smile and then soon as you leave, there they are feeding her. You say the kid is in a bad mood and they ask, "well what did YOU do to her???" And there you are, left wondering if these are the same people that raised you. I don't get it.

Parenthood Lessons #3

Reflections on Motherhood - The First Complete Year

WHAT DOES MOTHERHOOD MEAN TO ME?

Here's an overview of what I have learned in my first FULL year as a parent:

1. Before becoming a mother, I thought I knew what the words commitment, love, hurt, compassion, loyalty, dedication and sacrifice meant, but now I realize I was just scratching the surface. Its like when you become a parent, all of your emotions are intensified - you don't just love, you love HARD, and if someone or something hurts your child, it hurts you more than anything you could ever experience yourself. Your children's successes and failures become your own and you want to do everything you can to protect them.

2. All of the things that were really important to you before becoming a parent, become even more important to you. Your family in invaluable, your friends become your family, your financial security becomes less about whether you can splurge on that new pair of shoes for yourself and more about what you can do for your baby or your family now and in the future.

3. On a similar note, all of the things that were insignificant to you before, become even less significant. You have no energy to hold grudges, no desire to be around people that bring you down and no time to participate in idle gossip (well, except if its really good!)

4. Your time is precious. Sometimes I think about how quickly the past year of Amina's life went by and I start to panic, only 4 more years until she starts preschool! 15 years until she gets her driver's license! 20 years until I get to help plan her 21st birthday bash! I find myself rushing home from work early just to spend 5 or 10 extra minutes with her, when before I may have stayed 5 or 10 minutes later to finish up. Getting up in the morning doesn't seem so bad because I know I'll see that little goofy face. I'm sad on the rare days when I'm out late and don't get to see her before bedtime. I'm constantly brainstorming ways I can spend more time with her and less time with just about everyone else.

5. You want to nurture ALL children, not just your own. I work in a field where unfortunately I see abused and neglected children everyday. Before I had Amina, the social worker in me wanted to make sure the kids I worked with were "safe and had their basic needs met". Now, the mother in me makes me pull out my lotion to grease up those ashy elbows, buy a comb and brush from the store to brush those lint balls out, give you my sandwich if you're hungry, $3 to buy something for later and my cell phone number to call me if you need anything else.

6. You lose your tolerance for triflin' parents. As a parent who would do anything in the world to make sure my child has what she needs and wants, people who put their children behind themselves or their mate or their addiction make me sick. The social worker in me understands it, but the parent in me is disgusted by it.

7. The stakes are high. Raising children is the most important and most difficult job I have ever had. Trying to figure out how to manage my life and raise a productive member of society without screwing up consumes most of my time.

There's a ton of other things I can add, but these are the things that have been on my mind the past few days.

Amina was fortunate enough to spend the Mother's Day weekend with her mother and father, grandmother and grandfather and two great-grandmothers. Such a blessing because not everyone is lucky enough to have all that family around.

I know it's a little belated but Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mothers out there! What does motherhood mean to you?

Parenthood Lesson #2

Everything I know about parenting I learned from my cat.

I used to teach a parent education and support group, which was totally rediculous because I was the only one at the agency who had no kids Every week I waited to get cursed out by some irate parent who would bring up the fact that how could I know what I'm talking about because I don't even have kids. Thankfully it never happened, but I could have saved myself a lot of paperwork and condensed the 8 weeks into these 10 simple steps.

1. If you make a rule, stick to it. Otherwise I will continue to harrass you because I know that you don't really mean what you say.

2. Separate sleeping spaces - you have your room and we have ours. You don't need to sleep in our bed.

3. Have compassion for all living things - you chose to bring me here so if I get on your nerves, essentially its your fault so don't bitch about me.

4. Clean litter box daily.

5. The power of touch - it feels good to be rubbed, cuddled and hugged, do it often.

6. Screaming is not effective - I will just look at you like you're crazy and continue to do whatever it was that I was doing.

7. Taking care of something other than yourself is hard work. I have needs and you better fulfill them.

8. Anything of value you have will be destroyed, so if you really love it, keep it away from me.

9. You should be happy there's just one of me because you wouldn't be able to handle anymore - think twice before you decide to bring another mouth to feed in here.

10. Unconditional Love - I will love you pretty much regardless of what you do to me. (Where along the span of development do we loose that?)

Parenthood Lesson #1

You THINK you know but you have NO idea.

A year ago this time we had no idea that our world was about to be turned upside down. We were too busy at Nordstroms buying overpriced Ralph Lauren sweatsuits for newborns to have any inkling of what we were in for. We were registering for baby gadgets like they were going out of style - wipe warmers with nightlights and rubber duckies with temperature guages. Coordinating 'sugar plum' bedding ensembles and room decor. The comforter, bumper, sheets, rugs, nightlight, picture frame, hamper and dust ruffle MUST all match. They just must. We needed crib ipod speakers, pink of course. We (and by 'we' I mean 'me') were ordering special letters off the internet that spelled her name in pretty swervy letters. We bought paint to paint them purple. Yes, last year this time, we were scouring home depot for the perfect hue for a baby girl's room. Pink...or purple...but not TOO obviously girly pink or purple. Subtle, but enough to know its still pink or purple. AND match the 'sugar plum' decor. We were subscribing to magazines by the dozen: Pregnancy, Fit Pregnancy, Parents, Parenting, Parenthood, American Baby, Babyzone, Kiwi and Cookie. We cut out articles, pictures of nurseries, baby furniture and toys. We put them in clear plastic report covers and put them in binders. We had the binders separated by dividers broken down by subject - development, feeding, furniture, toys, registry etc. We were buying baby books and even reading some them! Reading them with the voracity of a deranged librarian on speed! Don't know what to expect when you're expecting? There's a book for that. Don't know what to expect the first year? Got a book for that. Don't know what to expect the toddler years? One for that too. Got books for daddies having daughters and mommies who work, new parents books, parenting style books, books for African-American parents. We were nervous, but we were EXCITED! We were going to be parents! Not just parents but the BEST parents E-V-E-R.

A year later...

I have no idea where those binders are. I have used the crib speakers twice, the second time was today. The magazines are STILL COMING and adding to the piles and piles of mail stacked on the dining room table. And as for what to expect when you're expecting? Well...let's just say its a hoax because no one, NO ONE can anticipate that. And so began my intro into parenthood and my first lesson learned (of many to come):
Rule #1 - Tabula Rasa: Blank Slate. Come to parenthood with no expectations, no assumptions, no rules; whatever you think you know, throw it out the window and start with a blank slate.

Welcome to the world little Miss Amina Sahar.